What I Love And Hate About New York

I've lived in Los Angeles for the past 10 years and just visited New York City for the first time since I was five years old. Though I've typically defended L.A. against the standard east coast attacks -- lack of great food, alienating environment, governors who starred in Jingle All The Way -- I think I now understand the charm and allure of New York.

There's definitely a feeling of camaraderie and shared experience in the city that it's hard to achieve anywhere else. That's why, from a true "western" perspective, I wanted to share a few things that I love about New York, and a few things that drive me nuts.

First the good stuff:

1) Jaywalking is legal. There seems to be an unspoken agreement between the police, the cab drivers and pedestrians: we get to walk when cars aren't coming, the police get to hit on girls all day, and cab drivers get to finish their turn as long as the front bumper doesn't come within three millimeters of the back of your heel.
2) Accessible public transportation. I appreciate being able to travel from one area of Manhattan to another in just a few minutes. Once you figure out the placards, maps and signs, apparently written in Swahili lest an undesirable figures them out, you can get pretty much anywhere you want in about 15 minutes. If you get lost, any number of compassionate molesters will come quickly to your aid.
3) Bread and cheese. Your pizza is too damn good. I'm lucky I don't live in New York, because if I did I'd eat about three loaves of bread a day and start looking like some sort of Mario Batali-John Madden hybrid. Why can't Los Angeles replicate that? Is our water somehow not sludge-filled enough?

Okay, now to anger all you hardcore New-York-is-the-best-city-in-the-world purists, a few of the things that make me glad to live where I do:

1) In New York, air conditioners have only two settings: Off and Fortress of Solitude. Seriously, I know it can get muggy, but literally every building I went into for a week had the A.C. cranked up (or down, I should say) to about 45 degrees. Apparently, you're all storing dinosaur embryos, because no room should ever be that cold. You know what we do in L.A. when it gets hot? Open a window!
2) Your beautiful women are actually successful. In L.A. we have tons of beautiful women as well, but at least here they're all struggling actresses or musicians and are desperate for approval! In New York, there are tons of gorgeous women, and yet they're all successful marketers or art gallery curators or journalists. There's no way they'll ever talk to me. I just can't get behind that.
3) Pompous Direction People. Some New York citizens, often just after meeting you, will immediately ask how you got there and what route you took. "I took a cab," I say. To which they reply: "Oh you could have just taken the N train to 14th street and then walked three blocks east to Lexington, or you just walk to 12th and University and take a cab from there up Broadway because it'll save you time, it's like a hypotenuse, then walk four blocks past the National Arts Club to Madison Square Park and pick up a rickshaw from there down to 28th street..." Yeah, I get it, you know your way around. What are you, a Sherpa?

Thanks for letting me get that off my chest, you guys. I'm definitely open to receiving hate mail, but if you send it through the postal service, could you pack some Chinese food from Dumpling House?

People Sounds Like Peephole

This is a poem I wrote while sitting on a park bench at W. Broadway and Beach St. in lower Manhattan. This is not your typical New York poem.

At the intersection of five streets
at an oval-shaped park with
two trees jutting from where the
eyes would be
At the meeting place of buses,
taxis, couples, vagrants, children,
cell phone addicts, those with
their heads down, those with
a poodle in hand
I've practically collapsed on a bench,
My backpack and duffel bag dragged
along beside me, my left heel
pulsating and throbbing with red,
cartoonish pain, and I sit here
and try to take the pressure off.

I have hours to kill, nowhere
to go, no feelings to feel or
companions to tease or criticize, and
I wonder if my entire life has
been building up to this, nearly
three decades of walking, listening,
looking, thinking, experiencing,
to a point where I move my
left foot and try not to feel,
pick my head up and
try not to look,
pull my bags closer toward me
and try not to possess.

There is definitely something here
but I lost it, somewhere between
the bars, the work, the hotel, the
text messages, from that point
to this one.

And here I am now, and there are
beautiful women and babies in strollers
and pigeons and trash and fire escapes.

There are delis and pharmacies
and Irish-themed pubs and
people from Seattle and
Puerto Rico and India and
Chile and New Zealand.

There are street signs and buildings,
water and mail boxes and construction.

And there's also me in there somwhere
With my backpack and my duffel bag,
my swollen heel and my jeans and
shoes and my shirt with the fish on it,
and my red hair and my small hands,
my pen and my notebook and the bench
that I sit on.

Tonight, I'm the only thing that will
be gone. And the wind breathes calmly
and people keep walking and the
sun peaks out through the clouds.

Cause in 60 Seconds

Causecast has a new show we're going to be pushing out every few weeks called Cause in 60 Seconds. For each episode, we'll explore a different event or cause and try and break it down for you as quickly as possible (hint: it'll be about a minute long).

Our latest episode covers the How It Ends event from late June, co-sponsored by Invisible Children, Resolve Uganda and the Enough Project, aimed at supporting the LRA Disarmament bill in Congress.



The video has already sparked some great discussion on Causecast, most notably from the mind of active commenter "revolutionforamerica" who comments:

awesome another bill for the american tax payers! and im sure u all criticized bush for spending money for the war in iraq. liberal hypocrites

Thanks for watching! Be patient, the next video will be coming out soon.

Cemetery Junction - Funniest Film of 2010?

Clearly.



The Invention of Lying looks good. But, the teaser trailer for Cemetery Junction really raises my hopes. Those guys have a really hard time not being funny.

NY Synagogue Terror Suspects: Real Threat or Just Jokers?

Here's a post I wrote for Causecast.org about the NY terror suspects.

Americans woke up this morning to discover that a terrorist plot against two synagogues in the Bronx, New York, was foiled by the FBI working with New York police. The most troubling thing about this new plot is that the suspects likely had no connection to al Qaeda, Guantanamo Bay or the Taliban.

It should come as no surprise to Americans, however, that there are people out there who don’t like us or that it would translate into negative sentiment at home. Despite our “fight them there so we don’t have to fight them here” mentality, it’s very difficult to segregate communities in the 21st century. Muslims in America are certainly cognizant of civilian deaths in the Middle East, and it is quite clear that these suspects intended to avenge the deaths of Muslims in Afghanistan and Pakistan.



That being said, the new question is, How serious was this threat? The FBI learned about the disgruntled Muslims from a confidential informant, and supplied the suspects with what they thought were IED missiles and plastic explosives. Had the FBI not seen the plan through to the moment when the suspects believed they were setting the bombs, would they ever have made it this far? IED missiles, though plentiful on the streets of Tikrit, are not quite so easy to come by in the Bronx. I don’t think you can just walk over to Ray’s Pizza and order a few with your slice.

Would these four nuts have been as successful in tracking down real explosive devices? According to the Washington Post, the detained men said they were disappointed that the World Trade Center was no longer around to attack. That’s kind of like when you see a really good price for a CD you already own and you wish you could buy it again. Something tells me that the guys who came up with this plot weren’t exactly criminal masterminds.

Terrorist Leader: Alright men, we’re going to blow up the World Trade Center!

Underling: Um…boss…that’s kind of already been taken care of. Maybe we should come up with an alternate target.

Terrorist Leader: Okay, then. Plan B! Where do the Jews hang out?

A couple of synagogues must have been more inspiring than Katz’s Deli on East Houston.

So, I’m obviously thankful that dutiful law enforcement prevented an attack, but I’m not sure these guys were plotting the next 9/11.

No Stairway. Denied!

Now I get it! Wolfram Alpha is just a devious scheme to promote classic Powell & Pressburger films!

Brian Hayward: Get On Twitter!

During tonight's Ducks-Red Wings playoff game (The series is tied 1-1 and the Ducks lead 1-0 after the first period), play-by-play announcer John Ahlers was promoting Fox Sports' new Twitter account. Ahlers then asked color commentator Brian Hayward if he was on Twitter yet. Hazy said that he wasn't quite on Twitter yet.

Let me just say that I'm a huge fan of the broadcasters on Fox Sports Prime Ticket. I've been a Ducks fan for years and years, and any modern hockey fan will tell you that you really form a bond with your local commentators, simply because you spend about 80+ nights a year watching and listening to them (you see, in hockey, most of the games are not televised nationally, and I prefer Ahlers and Hayward to Mike Emrick and Eddie Olczyk anyway.)

Brian Hayward has a pretty strong following in southern California, for his ab-solutely sen-sational analysis of hockey and his nightly "Hockey 101" and the pun-ny "Breaking Through the Hays" segments. Because of his affability and local notability, I am hereby requesting that Brian Hayward start a Twitter account as soon as possible.

As both a Ducks fan and Managing Editor of an Internet start-up company, I am volunteering myself as the perfect person to teach Brian Hayward all about Twitter. For one thing, I hate social media and the culture surrounding it as much as any head-scratching middle-aged person (Hazy is 48). Also, I can teach him how to keep his tweets focused, humorous and informative. Though my Twitter feed is a mish-mash of song lyrics, sports news, jokes and Diddy-isms, I feel I have the optimal amount of experience and know-how to transform Hayward's Twitter feed into an O.C. sports phenomenon.

Within weeks, I guarantee we'll have Jim Fox and Stu Lantz begging me for Twitter tips (or Twips, if you will).

How about it, Hazy? Give me a shot.

Second period is about to start now. Go Ducks!